Anger may be a perfectly natural emotion, but its effects are too often damaging.

Biologically, it was valuable as a response to danger – it triggered the red light of fight or flight. This was handy 10,000 years ago when sabre-toothed tigers strayed onto our patch but is generally less useful in the modern world! Persistent out of control anger is invariably destructive. Examples of such outbursts are increasingly witnessed in our stressed society. While righteous anger can be a healthy response to the world’s problems, when it’s manifested as road rage, public meltdowns, domestic abuse, or drunken brawls, the symptoms are problems in themselves.

While my clients often report being the victims of aggressive anger, they often don’t realise how much lies within them – just beneath the surface. Displays of anger can mask underlying emotions such as shame, guilt, or fear of criticism. Anger is also manifested inwardly in the guise of self-criticism, self-harm or abuse of alcohol or drugs. Such ‘treatments’ may bring temporary relief, but in the long run they usually exacerbate the problem. Similarly, non-confrontational displays of passive-aggression are hard for others to decipher. And like the quiet rumblings of a volcano, they may eventually lead to violent unexpected eruptions of temper.

For those who habitually lose their temper, it invariably does more harm than good. Some may think it’s a show of strength, but it usually betrays a loss of control. Others see anger as ‘just a natural emotional response’ to a situation, but it can damage relationships as well as creating a toxic cloud around the perpetrator. Another myth is that angry outbursts are psychologically healthy – but it usually just increases frustration as well as alienating those burned by its fiery blast. Furthermore, chronic anger is detrimental to our health. When a body blows a fuse – it may do so with a heart-attack or a stroke.

Controlling the Dark Side…

When the sources of your frustrations are understood, anger can be healthily harnessed to actively overcome them.

Counselling can uncover these deep roots. Talking therapy helps unveil some of these difficult hidden feelings, while Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) can teach us to deal better with situations that provoke anger. CBT can identify faulty thinking that is often learned in dysfunctional upbringings or situations where we felt powerless. In some families or environments, expressing any emotion is discouraged. The stereotypical ‘stiff upper lip’ of the British reflects this unhealthy habit of bottling it up. CBT can also identify the negative thinking that often lies beneath. Such thinking is symbolised by the regular use of words like ‘always’, ‘should’, or ‘ought’ in expressions such as ‘Why does this always happen to me?’ When people think, and feel like this, they often make bad decisions. When a situation reminds them of a painful experience – separate from what is really happening – they may compensate by over-reacting. And the wrong person usually gets blamed.

Counselling can teach us more creative and positive ways to respond. Its uglier forms can be controlled by simple calming techniques – such as counting to ten or breathing more slowly and deeply. This can reverse the biological response where more oxygen is inhaled to prepare us for action. Such ploys help us choose the best strategy. The solution is usually quite different from the first instinctive reaction. The large brain we have developed over the millennia has evolved to let us reflect on all the circumstances once the immediate danger has passed. It’s what separates us from more primitive species. It seems a shame not to use it!

While the links below offer practical tips in self-control, sometimes more specialist professional help is needed in the form of anger management. For those on the other side of the fence, various organisations exist to help victims of physical or emotional abuse.

For most of us, general lifestyle choices such as exercise, good diet and healthy sleep patterns are good protections against our frustrations boiling over, while channelling negative feelings into a healthy creative activity can improve our lives exponentially.

We can always have too much of a good thing, but with thoughtful management, anger can be a force for good. Successful people often confess to having a dark side. Maybe they have just learned how to make a strength out of their very human weakness.

Useful links

For a better understanding of anger and how best to deal with its problems go to:
nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/controlling-anger
helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/anger-management.htm
mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/anger/#.W9xhWpP7TIU

To gauge your own susceptibility to anger, try the quizzes at
angermanage.co.uk
moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/Anger.asp​

Organisations for victims of severe anger include:
refuge.org.uk
womensaid.org.uk
avpbritain.org.uk