It’s said that therapy was invented by men for women. Think Sigmund Freud stroking his beard pensively while rich Viennese women freely associate from his couch. Received wisdom has it that emotional expression comes more naturally to women. Nowadays, we attribute this to culture rather than biology. But the Traditional Man is now something of a dinosaur in the modern world, while advances in neuroscience promotes our potential for change. Therapy is no longer the preserve of the female of the species…
Nonetheless, twice as many women seek therapy and not because men are better at dealing with life’s slings and arrows. Men’s emotional life is just as complex, but often shrouded in secrecy. Suicide rates for men are three times higher. Their cry for help is often silent and the inner turmoil often unknown until too late. Self-harming often occurs unnoticed, but in plain sight. Abusing alcohol, cigarettes or drugs take precedence over ‘textbook’ signs – such as eating disorders or cutting – more commonly seen in women.
Some emotions seem assigned by gender. Toxic masculinity is often expressed by anger – an all-in-one emotional response to a range of threats. Conversely, an angry woman is often rather unfairly written off as a ‘stroppy c*w’! Rising above worldly trials was often seen as the mark of a true man. In his poem If, Kipling enshrined this idea when hailing men who treated Triumph and Disaster with equal equanimity. A term even exists – Normative Male Alexithymia – to describe men struggling to express feelings.
Displays of happiness are less strictly condemned. Two football managers, Jürgen Klopp and Mauricio Pochettino, were recently praised for unbridled displays of emotion when they celebrated reaching the Champions League final with tears of joy. Both are acclaimed for boosting the self-belief of the men in their charge with warmth and encouragement. Nonetheless, those tears may have been less comfortably accepted if shed after a loss.
It’s usually more acceptable for men to stay on message. Tribal gatherings often give little space for them to talk about problems from the game of life. Sport and mickey-taking are safer ground than discussing emotional fragility. As such, friends and family – resources often well used by women – remain largely untapped. When a man’s romantic relationship ends, the unofficial Lad’s Rulebook has a favourite remedy. Make him drink so much he can neither talk, think or stand up. It’s probably due for a revision.
Masculinity has traditionally been defined by a man’s capacity to provide and protect his flock. As such, many feel that seeking therapy shows they are failing in this role. But while women’s empowerment need not diminish the value of the modern male, it does suggest the value of adapting to a changing social environment. The pressure to provide can lead to risky business ventures, refuge in drinks and drugs, and marital violence. While men seem more hard-wired to a hunting and gathering prehistorical role, they are not computers, and the brain’s capacity to rewire itself cannot be underestimated. For everyone’s sake, the potential value of collaborating with others to work out problems is immense.
Many men struggle to admit weakness and imagine it’s expected in therapy – regardless of it being ring-fenced by the safety of confidentiality. In the bear pit of manly society, their reputation is at stake, but inside the counselling room perhaps their very self-esteem is at risk. But for the sake of their own happiness – and all those around them – this is a misconception based on the lie that men can conquer the world alone – if it needs ‘conquering’ at all. No man is an island, but an outdated, insecure chunk of society believes he still is.
Emotional Rescue
Thankfully, revealing feelings is less widely seen as weakness for men in modern society. For example, parental roles are less defined. Men now change nappies and wheel prams with impunity while the delivery room – rather than the pub – is now a welcome place for expectant fathers. Women may have adapted better to shifts in working practices, but men are now increasingly enjoying the flexibility of more nuanced lifestyles. This shift in attitude is leaking through to therapy. Men from all social classes, cultures and age groups now cross the threshold.
Men often find the first steps more difficult. Attendance is often relatively erratic. Revealing our innermost thoughts can be emotionally draining and the process can seem emasculating when discussing problems is wrongly confused with inadequacy. But the reality is that counselling generally remedies pain and increases resilience. The macho instinct to appear strong and flawless is often the last defence against the fear of what honest discourse reveals. Realising this is often the first obstacle. Once cleared, work can begin in earnest. The social programming for men to be problem solvers often influences the form it takes, but therapy is flexible enough to handle different ways of communicating. It doesn’t always have to end in tears!
Many men are relieved to express their true feelings in a non-judgmental atmosphere.
While some take to therapy like ducks to water, the most satisfying and successful work often involves working with those who enter uncertainly, but grow into it by exploring and overcoming issues that have lain dormant and allowed to fester. Such intimate sharing can then be a learned habit to practice outside. Ironically, it may be the bravest men who can swim against the tide of masculinity into the unknown depths of the emotional ocean. Staying afloat afterwards is likely to be easier and more enjoyable than they ever imagined.