‘One man was being flagellated rather half-heartedly by a middle-aged woman in scarlet leathers. A non-committal crowd mused close by.’

‘The sprightly lambs soon metamorphose into mythical cross-breeds with the heads of ex-girlfriends and a tendency for barrack room banter.’

'One painful memory involved an octogenerian granny being catapulted through the boat’s lavatory doors with her knickers around her ankles.'

‘Many feel that submitting your body to a Dantean hell round the park will purge your damned body of all the ills of a decadent life.’

‘The men range from braying, jelly-brained jocks bench-pressing PBs to the guy that hangs around the shallow end flexing his pecs.’

‘The odds would be long on getting a salt scrub, or even the disquieting threat of a Jinja signature. But these are pleasures, not privations, of the flesh.’

‘And it wasn’t the psychotically polite mien of a New York waiter, it seemed quite genuine.’

‘The toilets were more Ally Macbeal than Bladerunner. While I resent paying to make nature’s call I was, at least, entertained by my treatment.’

‘The company’s advertising drew attention to other favourable name changes such as Leningrad changing back to St Petersburg, Arpanet to Internet, and Brosnan to Craig.’